That didn’t go as f***ing Planned

“That didn’t go as f***ing planned.” I don’t know who came up with this quote, but this describes the story of my life in six words. I don’t usually plan, but when I do, it never goes according to the plan. I plan a trip, a gathering, or sinply a study time for my exams, and in the end, I am left with a disoriented chaos. My plans have failed, surprisingly, so many times that I am no longer surprised at their failure. However, with age comes wisdom. I have become wiser, and now, when I am about to plan or do something, my wise soul tells me, “This isn’t going to go as f***ing planned.”

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A God for Me…

When I was little, my mother used to hold my hand and take me to temples. She had some faith in God, and that faith had transferred to me. However, as I grew taller, my faith in God grew smaller. It was not that I had lost all faith in God, just that I did not have the same faith that my mother had.

As I grew older, my thoughts became bolder. I still bowed my head at temples but it was more out of respect for my family’s beliefs and society’s culture. I was praying to a God I did not believe in. God never answered my prayers, or maybe he did and I am not aware of it. I do not understand this idea of God that the society follows. To be more precise, I doubt the forms and powers associated with God. Maybe there is someone who is watching over us, but I don’t think there i any point in asking for help. “God helps those who help themselves.”, this quote is what I believe in and what I follow. Although “God” has been referred to in the quote, the quote just means that we should put in the effort ourselves, without waiting for others. That is precisely what I do.

Why do I doubt the belief and faith the society has on God? I am not sure. I respect the belief the society has, but I don’t have the faith they have or the belief in the notion that “God will look after you.” I am not sure if I could be called an atheist, because I still think there may be a God, of form and with qualities that is completely different from how they have been perceived so far.

Then, what is a God for me? If God is a creator, for me that would be my mom. If God is a provider, for me that would be my father. If God is someone that gives hope, for me that would be my family. If God is someone that brings joy, for me that would be my friends. If God is someone strong, who helps others, for me, that is what I strive to be. So what about “the” God? He/She/They, for me, are probably busy doing their own thing.

So, I am still here, alive and well, and my choices of my beliefs has not betrayed me so far. My mom still makes me go to temples, but I do it now out of respect for her. I haven’t gone on a crusade to influence ithers and change their beliefs because it is their choice. I am happy with my decisions and have no regrets. Sure, I hit a few bumps here and there, but now I make an effort to get back on track myself, and not wait there, asking for help, and when things work out, it feels like an achievement. I see others searching for Gods in temples. A God for me, however, is in everyone around me.

I am sorry if this was not that good. It just felt wrong to abandon it after writing it down. Afterall, no writing is trash. So, be sure to like it, comment what you think, follow my blog  for more and share it.😊

Three Things I do Well

Its really difficult to pick three things I do well, but when I think about it, there seem to be three things that I am so good at, that I tend to do them instinctively. They are almost like second nature to me, and I execute them perfectly, either consciously or unconsciously. They are: 1) Dodging questions 2) Messing things up (especially friendships) and 3) Daydreaming.

I believe I am really good at dodging questions when I am in a tight spot. I do it so well that not only do I deviate a question with an irrelevant reply, I make it seem as if its the right direction for some time too. I tend to dodge difficult questions and get away with it unscathed. Well, except in my exams. This trick, sadly, doesn’t seem to do so well in exams.

The second thing I am an overachiever in is messing things up. I take something, and try to make it better, but in the end I over do it, and turn it into a hot, ugly mess. I have a tendency of messing up friendships. I try making it better, and although I often succeed, I would be lying if I said that I don’t have a big pile of broken friendships.

The final thing I am good at is daydreaming. I am so good at it that I do it with my eyes wide open, staring into the abyss that doesn’t even exist.(Actually thats how everyone does it, I guess.) I can do it anywhere, anytime. The teacher will be teaching in front of the class, and I would be in a dream where the class is interrupted by an alien invasion, and we all end up fighting them off with newly found superpowers. I could be at the dinner table, and my mind would be dreaming a scenario that has a negative ninety percent chance of actually occurring in real life.

So am I weird? Well, a certain friend told me I definitely am. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. Will I stop doing these things from now? I probably won’t. Afterall, these are three things I do really well.

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No Backup

“Its always good to have a backup.” Richard said, tossing a coin. “Everything has a backup. It will help you actually succeed, unlike prayers. “, he preached, as the coin landed on the table.

His friends nodded in agreement. No, they were not really his friends. Richard just viewed them as an accessory, a bunch of people he liked to hang out with. He wasn’t attached to them, nor was he addicted to them. If they left him, he had another bunch like them ready. After all, he was a man who felt the need to have backup for everything.

“Sir, here is the bill.”, the waiter put the bill on the table.

“Richie, I guess its your turn to pay.”, one of his ‘friends’ asked.

“Sure.”, Richie replied as he opened his wallet. There was not enough cash in it. It barely covered half the payment. 

Richard sighed.

Richard Symphony Palmer, better known as Richie among his peers, was a man who had a backup for everything. He was ready for any situation, and if they fell apart, he was ready for that too, as if he was expecting it. You could call him a pessimist for this, but he was simply obsessed with backup.

This obsession started back when he was in primary school, where he was a great and hardworking student, but one day had been punished severely for failing to submit an assignment because his notebook got torn. Ever since then he started having a backup. It made him feel safe. There was a running joke among his peers that even his backup had a backup. Nobody knows if this is true, but no one dared to say it to his face because Richie had always managed to overcome his obstacle and succeed due to his obsession with backup.

“Not enough cash, Richie?,” one of the ‘friends’ asked. 

“Yeah.”, Richie said in a small voice. “Good thing I always have a backup plan.” he said, as he handed the waiter his credit card.

“Its always good to have a plan B.”, he said with a grin. The whole table burst into laughter.

Their laughter was brought to an abrupt halt by the ringing of his phone. He answered the call, still smiling, tossing a coin into the air. However, before the coin could touch the ground, Richie was out of the restaurant dashing towards the nearest bus stop.

That call came an hour ago. He was standing in front of the reception in the hospital ten minutes ago. Right now, he was standing outside the ICU.

“Please God, let her live.”, he prayed for the first time in his mature life, as Richard the man who wholeheartedly believed in backups and plan Bs, realised he had no backup ready to replace his mother.

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Someone who had made me feel good about myself

It was about a year and half ago. I had failed in my grade twelve board exams. Unlike the time when I had failed in grade eleven, this time it had hit me real hard. I was really down and depressed. On top of that when I failed the supplementary exams, it was a really dark time for me. Although my family and friends were there to support me and consolidate me and managed to make me feel better, I still felt bad about myself. Then, one day, I started talking with her. (chatting actually.)

None of my class mates from high school knew about my results. She was the first person I told. There was nothing special betweenus, but I decided to trust her on an instinct. I knew she could keep a secret, so I spilled most of mine. We started chatting and this continued on for awhile, and it developed into a somewhat weird friendship. She is not one of my closest friend, but she is the one I trust the most. Just talking with her initially motivated me and made me happy and helped me get through darker times. I might never be able to repay this debt. For this, I would like to genuinely thank her. Although she is abroad now pursuing her education, she still remains one of the nicest friends I ever had. Even if we don’t talk anymore, like we used to do, for me, she will always be a valuable friend.

I am grateful to all my family members and friends that have been there for me, and motivated me, I want to dedicate this writing to that potterhead who somehow managed to make me feel good about myself, in one of my darkest times. So thank you, and I hope one day, you will read this and laugh at this idiot.

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A letter from 90 year old me..

Dear Saurav,

Hey! Its me. By me I mean you. You from a little over seventy years from the future. I hope you are doing well. I am writing this letter to you in order to give some advice. So buckle up and listen to this wise, ninety year old man.

I still remember it like yesterday. The young, almost twenty year old me, joining law college, constantly reminding myself that this time, it was about my career and not about grades. How I wish I could relive those days! But alas! I can’t. You on the other hand, still can.

First of all, let me tell you this: life will get increasingly challenging and difficult from here on out. There will be a lot of troubled times. Too many of them to mention them all in this letter. You will face failure again a few times. These failures might not hit you as hard as when you failed your board exam back in high school, as these won’t be that bad. However, they will scar you nonetheless. In the end however, you will manage to pull through.

Over the years, I have had too many regrets, and I would like to spare you from some of them. So listen well. First of all I would like to remind you to bond with your parents more. I know you are doing pretty well in this right now. Maintain that bond over the years. I had spent plenty of time with my parents, but now that I look back, it seems so little. I was so busy growing up that I forgot they were growing old. Spend as much time as you can with them. It will never be enough.

Secondly, keep loving and caring about your relatives. They are such great people. Always remember how much they mean to you. Your cousins are the siblings you never had. Never forget this. Somehow, over time, they mangaged to drift away from me a little. Don’t let them do it again in your lifetime.

Lastly, and most importantly, put in more effort to rebond with your friends from school and high school. This is crucial as it all started when I was almost twenty. Some of my fruends went abroad and some stayed, but all of them became distant over time. Friendships started rotating around free time instead of the other way around. Over the years, I managed to make really good new friends, and reconnected with some old friends too, but I lost some of them. At that time when the distant started to grow, I told myself thaf it was just life and growing up, and giving each other some space was an act of maturity. But right now I want to tell you, sometimes, its okay to be a little immature. I don’t want you to have the same regrets that I have.

Other than this, there isn’t much to say. We have managed to achieve most of our dreams. We managed to pull through some difficult times abd managed to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am currently well off and have a loving caring family and loving grandchildren. No, I am not going to tell you whom you end up with, not even a hint. Live your life yourself. Follow your instincts. Take my advice to the heart. Other problems and challenges, you will be able to overcome them yourself. You will leave behind a legacy in your field of work.

One day you will be in my place. Till then, stay safe, work hard, hold your head high, grin towards the sky, and keep moving forward, you youthful idiot.

Yours,

Saurav

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A letter to a younger me..

Dear Saurav,

How are you? You just joined high school, if I remember correctly. Can’t believe its already been over three years. It feels like it was just yesterday when I was sixteen. Oh, by the way, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I am you. Well, you from three years in the future, to be honest.

Life is going pretty well for you so far, isn’t it? Don’t worry it will go on the same way, maybe with a few bumps in between. I can’t tell you what is going to happen in your next three years. You have watched enough movies and read enough fiction to know why. Just know that there will be some difficult times, but there will be plenty of good times too. In the end, you will come out as a different person, but believe me when I say its for the better.

Right now its a new beginning for you. So make a lot of new friends and make memories with them. I know you can do it because I have already done it. Follow your instincts, they won’t let you down. Cherish every moment and spend time with your friends and family. Also, keep drawing. No, I am not talking about all those assignments that you do in your zoology practical. I am talking about all the other drawings and sketches you make. You will get better with time.

A lot of things will happen in St. Xavier’s. Its gonna be one hell of a roller coaster ride. Here is a little sneak peek for you. After you graduate from St. Xavier’s, you will enroll in that law college, the one you aimed to join way back in grade eight.

Ok, thats enough. No more spoilers. It will ruin the experience for you. Just feel it for yourself. Then maybe one day, you will end up being wise enough to write a letter to your younger self, just like me.

Stay safe and have fun.

Yours truly,

Saurav